Ali Sweeney

Dear Ali,

Hey, congratulations on the good looks. Also I want to send out a hearty good luck on the marriage. Man, marriage nowadays, it's a crazy situation. Did you know the divorce rate in America is over 50%? I, myself, am not married (I suspect lack of dates is the cause), but I'm not worried. I am still a young and sprite whippersnapper that can tantalize the ladies with a curiously sharp wit and a stinging style of jocularity. I wish to be married soon, before my 17th birthday or before I am completely bald. Yeah, I guess I should tell you that I have been gradually going bald since the age of seven. At first I could just play it off as "multing," but soon the kids caught on. They like to call me names and it hurts! They like to call me "Mr. Moorehead" because I have more head than hair. I don't think that is very nice, do you?

I wish that the girls would look deep down inside my head and heart to realize that I am more than just a bald sixteen-year old. I am a person; besides, I have enough hair on my back and stomach to make up for the follicle depravity occurring on my scalp.

I had a date with this girl, Meredith. I don't want to be mean and I also know that I am in no position to complain but they call her "Booger." I, and my viciously bald head, blew it off and figured it was just the kids treating a nice young girl, who may have a small snot problem, poorly. Ali, I really really really like this girl BUT! Isn't there always a but? But, she is called booger, not because of any mucous problems; she is called booger because she is kind of green and a little sticky. Any loose flying paraphernalia always seems to head right for her. It's pretty much a guarantee if it makes contact it will stick.

She is a really good sport about it. We even made up a neat game where I threw different objects at her to see if they stuck. I got my shoe, which scored big points, on the third try. I must say that I am thinking of calling the whole thing off. The kids started calling her "Guacamole." I don't think I can go out with a sticky girl called "Guacamole" even if I am grossly underdeveloped in cranial forestation. Do you think that I am shallow for it? If you were green and sticky would you go out with a 16-year-old bald kid who has had only one date?

Once again, congratulations on the good looks and keep up the good work!

Bye Ali,

Orpheous
The baldest and loneliest 16 year old on Earth

http://www.alisonsweeney.com/