Meredith Patterson

Dear Meredith,

I would first like to congratulate you on the good looks. Kudos! I, if I were forced to characterize your looks based on the photos I've seen, would say you are a very cute gal. That, however, is not the purpose of my foray into your world via the Internet. The following letter is a most sincere attempt at reaching the relatively lofty goal of wooing you. Although I haven't been in the practice of wooing women, I have decided that it is time to make a comeback. At the very least I should hone my skills in the event I run into a woman in need of some wooing. I don't plan on indiscriminately using my wooing skills on any Jane, Jill or Johanna that crosses my path. No sister! I am just looking to bounce a few ideas off of you in hopes of distinguishing the true wooers from the duds. I, being a conscientious young lad, will quickly rush them to the vault to use only in extreme cases of emergency, for I feel they may be too dangerous to release at this date in time. So Meredith, perk up your ears, grab a hold of your socks, fix yourself a drink or a light snack, turn off the tele, stretch out those quads and get ready to be wooed like you've never been wooed before.

Meredith, I want you to rest assured that I will not be concentrating my wooing skills on any of your physical features, lovely as they are. Rather, I will be wooing your inner being, your celestial aura and your stunning presence. To properly woo, I feel that concentrating on physical attributes such as nice toes or well-formed wrists would cheapen the sentiment with the eventual effect of a non-woo (or no woo depending on what part of the country you are from). However, I would like to state for the record that you are a fine physical specimen obviously put together with meticulous care and pin point precision. Meredith, in case you aren't sure, you will know that you've been properly wooed by several distinct and immediate reactions. Typically, the normal reaction time from brain to body is around two seconds. This generally allows you plenty of time to size up your body's intended action and cover up accordingly (i.e. a sneeze, cough, burp, what have you). However, when you are wooed that reaction time drops to one second and when you've been fully wooed by yours truly, me, the suave and sophisticated homme writing you, the time drops to around .000001 seconds. So be prepared! Let us both hope that you will react like most with a subtle blush, a warm sensation and a little knee bend. Let us not hope you react like the last girl I wooed. We were cleaning up for days!

I should warn you that turn about is fair woo. The effects can be reversed (if you think you're capable of hanging with an experienced wooer such as myself) and when they are reversed the power is doubled, the reaction time is next to nothing and the effects are irreversible. That is why the woo is such a large risk. A woo reversal is the most unpredictable force the temptress, Mother Nature, has at her disposal. I once reversed a woo and the girl, a sexy sofa upholsterer, kept nibbling on my ear while calling me, "potty mouth" over and over again. Needless to say it wasn't a turn on and my sofa still isn't fixed!

Now that you've been properly informed on the finer points of wooing, there's only one rule that must be abided by. That is Rule #1, in section 1, appendix 1, Line 1-2 of the international Wooing Ethics and Code Enforcement Booklet, updated and authorized annually by the IWC, International Wooing Council, made up of a 12 person panel (9 women, 2 men and 1 "tweener"). This rule states: There Ain't No Rules! Meredith, here it comes!

Woooooo! Woo! Woooooooo! Woo – Woo! Woooooooooooo! Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Woooooooo!

Sorry baby! I understand my skills are devastating. It's a power that I've learned to accept and live with. I feel bad that such a sweet lady has to get caught in the wake of a Orpheous-Woo, but such is life. Well, reverse it if you dare and if not I guess you'll be thinking of me a lot. Once again, congrats on the fine form and hopefully you will recover from the woo!

Ciao,

Orpheous Roy

www.meredithpatterson.com