Erika Christensen

Dear Erika,

I just wanted to write in and say, I wonder what it is like to be young and good looking. I guess I will never know, you see Erika, I am stupendously ugly. I am a veritable oasis of ugly in a desert of beauty. I am to ugly - what cake is to chocolate cake. If you looked up ugly in the dictionary, you would just close the book and hit me over the head with it. Erika, I want you to know that I do have a good heart. If you believe it then at least someone will know.

My mom always said that beauty (and ugliness) is derived from a person's inner being. She said that my inner beauty would transcend my outer shell no matter what I look like. To this I could only reply, "I agree to a certain extent, but there is such a thing as undeniable beauty and in my case undeniable ugliness. If my inner beauty was to transcend, then I would be welcomed at restaurants and people wouldn't call me Sloth."

I've never really had any friends because of, you know. It's a shame because I have plenty of fly stylish gear. If masks were in fashion, I bet you I would get women, maybe even you Erika. I chose you because I have confidence that your are a deep pool of understanding in a cavern of compassion. I know you would look me square in the feet (that's the closest anyone has ever come to looking me in the eyes) and say, "I like you, for who you are and not what you look like. I don't care that you look like living road kill and I don't care about your glandular problem."

I guess I should also mention that I have a slight glandular problem. I'm not fat! I just sweat a lot. I sweat a whole lot. I have to have an I.V hooked to me at all times to replenish the fluids I lose. Doctors said that it was nothing to worry about and I would grow out of it, but since I only grew to be three feet that didn't happen. I am the shortest, wettest and ugliest guy in the world.

Oh well...I guess there are the lucky and then there are the short, ugly and wet.

Damply yours,


Orpheous Roy

www.erikachristensen.com